Heavy

For most of my adult life I have moved, changed jobs, changed countries, changed languages, changed life situations, changed my name, etc. I'm not sure I've had 'normalcy' since I moved to college. Finally, I've realized that all of life is change. I've realized that when life is at its most difficult its because you are being forced out of your comfort zone and into a change that you can either grow from or you can step back from in fear. I realize it's taken me longer than it should have to come to these conclusions. 

After six months of life's newest change in my life has passed, I have been forcing myself to pause and reflect on the result of this latest change. 

I find what I am struggling with most at this particular path in my life is how hard to push myself - I find myself asking, how much growth is really happening here or how much of this is pushing just to push? That is, to keep up with the status quo. I feel this constant fight between two interior voices in my head. One says I should be working tirelessly to be everything, to do everything. The other tells me it's okay to take a break, it's ok to enjoy life. It's okay if you're not perfect. 

I think the second is correct. I think I feel a pressure to be everything someone else says I should be, in a constant game of comparisons with every person I come in contact with. What I want for my life is to be uniquely me, flaws and all, changes and constant growth, but in my own time and manner. Along the same lines, I find that I am way to hard on myself. My inner voice is almost cruel with ongoing censures as to how I could be better or how I do not "do" enough. It's not always about the doing its about the "being." I am "worthy" just because I am. 

I'm not sure any of this makes sense to anyone other than myself, but I'm sending it out there into the great big void. 

Ode to a Mother's Mourning

With change rapidly approaching in one week, I have been preparing for the big change and reflecting even more on this change, willing time to stand still so I can hold on to my little baby just a few moments longer before I start a full time job. This means our daughter will now attend daycare full time, and with great sadness I will not be able to spend long, summer days with her.

To my surprise, I love being at home with her. I love the non-existence of stress from a day job, the freedom to do whatever we want, spending time with my mom so she can see her granddaughter on an almost weekly basis and most of all watching every move my little "chickie" makes because I truly revel in it.

I was expressing my worries to a wonderful friend of mine, and she made a comment that put the situation in perspective. She said, "...It makes sense, Erika. You're going through mourning..." It's true. I am mourning the end of a magical era where I spend limitless time with a daughter who I know will grow up in the blink of an eye. She will only live with me for a small time, and she will only beg to crawl on me for an even shorter amount of time, and I can't help but feel a deep mourning in my soul for the time I will lose with her and a jealousy towards those who will spend the hours of the day with her and surely cannot feel the love I feel toward her! (Yes, I know that socialization is great for children.)

I know how quickly time moves when you're working - between working full time, cleaning, cooking, paying the bills and family gatherings, our little moments will be scarce. Yes, I know I will still see her every evening and weekends, but what little time in comparison to the leisure days we have spent together this summer! And my greatest fear is that with the fatigue that comes with working full time, I may even start to resent the tiresome moments that come with a little one when I am with her.

The majority of mothers I know work and as a well educated woman, I see the beauty in a career and a life outside of the home. I know working can be a great example to my daughter; however, there has never been anything in my life so important and so special that I have been in charge of before - raising another being.

I do trust that God has a plan for our family's life and for this reason I am deciding not to allow anxiety into my thoughts. I trust that as everything else in my life, it will all work out. Yet, I am permitting myself this small "Ode to a Mother's Mourning", because I specifically do not need reasons to rationalize away or bury my feelings of great sadness or my love of staying home with my daughter. I don't want to come up with a million and one reasons why this is a good thing. I am just in need of a mourning period, a small validation of the end of this beautiful moment in time so that I may move forward with resiliency because this moment is nearly over, and oh! how wonderful it has been!

Happiness

"Happiness is wanting what you have, not having what you want." - Mark Twain

Truer words were never spoken. I have found in life that many times people, myself included, have said comments such as "If it makes you happy, that's all that matters." The older I get, the more I realize this statement is bullsh*t. We say it without thinking, but this means that our happiness and therefore our emotional and spiritual well-being is conditional and based upon the influences in our lives. What if something that hurts another makes you happy? But I digress...

What I am driving at here is that while I am not perfect in this area at all, I have found that contentment - even better than happiness - comes from within. First and foremost is comes from the incredible knowledge that I am a Child of God. This is something that will never change and therefore is a constant that I can always count on in my life. However, I do have to choose to accept this knowledge and own it. 

After I accept this fact, I have to let it resonate throughout my life. I think all would agree this is the most difficult part. This means accepting that God knows best for me and therefore I am exactly where I am meant to be at this point in my life - physically, emotionally, vocationally, etc. This is where Twain's quote is so relevant. I find that I am consantly in a state of "waiting", a perpetual anxiousness of wishing and wanting for the next part of my life to unfold and when it does, I wish I knew what was next. 

What if we just embraced the present? What if we lived it fully and unapologetically? What if we made a decision each day to be happy with what we had and where we were, no exceptions? Sounds pretty incredible to me.